All I Wanted Was a Shower

The house is quiet, and I am once again alone with my thoughts. I should be snuggled in bed, listening to the sound of my 2 month old’s little breaths, but I am sitting alone, in the dark, in my living room, wide awake, and wondering when my spouse will take the time to ask me how my day was, or stop for two seconds to realize that just because he worked all day outside the house, doesn’t mean his work ends at 5pm. It would be nice to feel like a team, but instead, I am captain, co-captain, and engineer of this ship, and it’s headed for an iceberg.

I can’t help but get emotional as I type this. I feel so lonely, even though I interact with others all day. I FaceTime my family, text my friends, and play with my beautiful daughter for hours, but I feel like I am walking this path alone, and it sucks.

My husband complains constantly about being tired, and while I understand he works a demanding job, and he genuinely is tired, he never stops to think that when I ask him to help me with something, I am running on minimal hours of sleep, and I don’t want to hear, “I’m exhausted.” I ask him to do so little, and yet tonight he can’t find an ounce of energy to do any of the things he’s been asked to do, in fact, he fell asleep, and left me alone to do everything again, which is beyond frustrating.

All I wanted was a shower!

Seriously….I told my husband when he came home that I really needed to get a shower, and would like for him to take the baby for a while, so I could freshen up, and feel like a decent human being for a change, so why, at midnight, am I just getting out of the shower!?…..I’ll tell you why…..because my needs come last!

I feel like I am a single mother half the time. It’s hard enough dealing with a fucked up brain, and forcing myself to get through the days on depression energy, but then to feel like I am doing things alone……it’s a slap in the face. I am the one who wakes up during the night, I am the one who is feeding, medicating, and doing all things baby related, (which is fine), and I am the one cooking the meals, doing the laundry, and making sure the bills are paid. I am not complaining about these things, I am just saying it would just be nice to be acknowledged for the job I do without complaining.

This isn’t a bash your husband post. I love my husband, and I know he loves me. It would just be nice to feel that love a little more. It would be nice to be hugged, thanked, and asked, “how can I help you?” It would be nice to have him offer his time a little more. It would be nice to feel appreciated, instead of feeling like a bitch for having an attitude when my slightest request gets forgotten, and I end up doing it myself. It would be nice to get a shower after dinner, rather than waiting until midnight, when everyone is asleep. It would be nice to have some help. It would be nice to be able to hand the baby to daddy, while mommy takes a much needed breather, but that rarely happens, and it’s overwhelmingly stressful for me.

I end this blog post with heavy eyes, restless legs, a crying baby, a snoring husband, and a shred of hope that things will get better soon.

Dear Daughter

I’ve never met you, held you in my arms, or kissed your little face, but I love you so much already, that I can’t even imagine what it will be like to actually see you for the first time.

As I sit here typing this message, I am flooded with thoughts of my own mother, and how she must have felt while pregnant with her first baby. The  joy, fears, and all those other wonderful emotions that come along with pregnancy, must have been raging, because they most certainly are for me.

What started as a 5 minute shock session, a pee stick, and two blue lines, has turned into intense anticipation for your arrival, and an overwhelming joy that I have only ever experienced one other time, when I married your daddy.

I’ve watched you grow, and felt your movements, and I must say that although I am so ready to hold you in my arms, I’m going to miss all those moments. Each and every experience, great and rough, has been something I wouldn’t trade for anything else. Pregnancy isn’t easy, but the end result is worth the minor struggles.

As the weeks get closer and closer to your arrival, I’m getting more nervous. I’m not nervous about the responsibility, the finances, or even the stressors of raising a child, I’m nervous about you being happy, safe, and always feeling fulfilled in this crazy life. I want you to know that you can do anything, be anyone/anything, and the world is yours for the taking. I want you to know that no matter how much heartache you might face, there is ALWAYS happiness on the other end. Be brave, courageous, loving, kind, and helpful, and you will always succeed in this life.

I can’t imagine what it will be like to hear you cry for the first time, see you look into my eyes, or even smile, but I know that it’s a feeling I won’t be able to contain, and might not even be able to put into words.

Soon enough, you will be in our arms, and we can all start our new journey together. I know it’s going to be a wonderful theme park adventure, and I’m so thankful for our little blessing..YOU!

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