Hanging On Until Tomorrow

It’s 74 outside and I sit here bundled up on the couch with a blanket up to my neck, un-showered, and in no hurry to quench my thirst, or feed my growling stomach. My eyes can’t focus on one thing, my brain is moving like a locomotive, with an out of control engine, and every sound around me has me on edge.

If I could see the hypothetical thread I am hanging on by, would I choose to cut it, or would I attempt to make it stronger, as to hold me up longer? Sometimes giving up is easier than pushing through the same shit day after day; FUCK, who am I kidding, I’ve, “given up,” in the past, and where did it land me, the hospital……but damn it, the hospital was like an escape from hell, and I guess an escape is what I am aiming for right now.

Let me tell you something, it’s hard as fuck to fight through this bipolar shit, postpartum, AND deal with additional issues other than my own. Just when I think I am having a good day, some news bombards me, and ruins my chances of having a decent day. If it isn’t news that my mother has lung cancer, it’s a call that she fell again, or that something else fucked up has happened in her life.

You might think there’s a quick fix for this shit, but there isn’t! There isn’t a magic fucking pill that makes me feel better, because NOTHING changes. The pill might stabilize some depressed moods, but it doesn’t make me normal, and OH DEAR GOD HOW I WISH I WAS NORMAL!!!

What is normal? Normal is waking up without thoughts of dying, going throughout the day without anxiety about stupid shit, not worrying about every fucking thing that doesn’t even matter, and being able to properly cope with the massive amounts of family bullshit daily.

God, I hate this; I need a vacation from my own life. Sometimes the urge to die is so strong, but then the baby cries, and it’s like, “ok, hold off for now.” How sick is that crap!? How horrible is it that the one reason why I haven’t attempted to kill myself in the past few months, is because of the baby? Go ahead, judge me for that statement, but it’s the absolute truth. Sometimes I feel like my husband would be better off without me, so leaving him doesn’t seem as bad, but there is something about the way my daughter looks at me, and smiles when I talk to her, that makes me rethink living…..plus, I’ve seen my husband in action, the baby wouldn’t survive a week alone with daddy! Ha, even in the midst of feeling like shit, I find a way to make a joke, go me!!

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